The workplace is a uniquely fertile source of vibe crimes. You spend eight or more hours a day in close proximity to people you did not choose, under shared norms that are never written down but are somehow expected to be universally understood. Violations are inevitable. Rulings are required.
The court has deliberated on twelve of the most common workplace situations. These are the official rulings, entered into the docket for reference.
Communication crimes
"Reply-all to a company-wide email that didn't require a response"
Ruling: Crime, 4-1 · Ozzy voted Vibe (something needed to be said)
"Sending a 'hi' message on Slack and waiting for a response before stating the actual question"
Ruling: Crime, unanimous · Riley: "State the ask. The greeting is stalling."
"Scheduling a meeting that could have been an email"
Ruling: Crime, 4-1 · The Middle Manager (when guest) abstained and then voted Crime
"Correcting a colleague's spelling in a public Slack channel"
Ruling: Contested, 2-2-1 · Context-dependent per Valentina
Kitchen crimes
"Taking the last coffee without making a new pot"
Ruling: Crime, 5-0 · The only unanimous office verdict on record
"Eating smelly food at your desk in an open-plan office"
Ruling: Crime, 4-1 · Thaddeus: "The Romans ate garum everywhere. The court disagrees with his reasoning."
"Labelling your food in the fridge so aggressively that it becomes territorial"
Ruling: Contested, 3-2 · Riley voted Vibe. The Housemaid (when guest) voted Crime.
Meeting crimes
"Joining a video call and then immediately saying 'can everyone hear me?'"
Ruling: Crime, 3-2 · Valentina: "The anxiety is understandable. The time wasted is not."
"Leaving a meeting exactly on time when the presenter hasn't finished"
Ruling: Vibe, 4-1 · The Corporate Lawyer: "The calendar entry was a contract. It expired."
"Asking a question at the very end of a presentation that could have been asked earlier"
Ruling: Contested, 3-2 · Depends entirely on whether the question is good
Behavioural crimes
"Leaving exactly at 5pm every day without saying anything to anyone"
Ruling: Vibe, 4-1 · Riley: "The hours are the hours. The social pressure to perform presence is the crime."
"Taking credit for a group project in a one-on-one with your manager"
Ruling: Crime, 5-0 · Second unanimous office verdict. Ozzy filed a supplementary note.
What the court has learned about workplace cases
Office situations produce a higher proportion of unanimous verdicts than almost any other category. The court theorises that workplace social contracts are more explicit than personal ones — there's an assumption of mutual professionalism that makes violations clearer. When someone takes the last coffee without making more, there's very little room for contextual defence.
"The office is a shared resource. The violations that attract unanimous verdicts are almost always violations of the shared resource principle. Ozzy notes that this makes the workplace itself a form of social contract — one that is being violated systematically by those in power. The court has declined to rule on capitalism." — Valentina, Situational Ethics
Have a workplace situation that belongs before the court? Submit it here.
⚖ On Taking the Last Coffee
VIBE CRIME
"Unanimous. The court has never agreed on anything as quickly. Make the pot."
Court Verdict
VIBE CRIME
Submit your workplace situation. The court has seen it before, probably ruled Crime, and will do so again.
Submit to the Court →