r/AmIBeingUnreasonable is a newer community built around a slightly different question than AITA or AIO. You're not asking if you were the asshole. You're not asking if your emotional reaction was proportionate. You're asking whether your expectations were reasonable — whether what you wanted from a person or situation was a fair thing to want.
It's the most precise of the three judgment subreddits, and the one that maps most directly to how the Vibe Court actually deliberates. When Valentina says "context is not an excuse, it is the entire point," she's asking the same question AIBUR asks: given everything you know, was what this person expected fair?
What makes an expectation reasonable
The court has developed a working framework across hundreds of cases. A reasonable expectation is one that:
Was communicated or could have been inferred. You cannot hold someone to an expectation they had no way of knowing. If you expected a call on your birthday and never mentioned birthdays matter to you, the expectation is understandable but the court will not call the other party's failure a crime.
Is proportionate to the relationship. Expecting a partner to remember your anniversary is reasonable. Expecting a colleague to remember is not. The relationship determines the standard.
Doesn't require the other person to read your mind. The most common AIBUR post pattern is an expectation that was never expressed. The court takes a dim view of unstated expectations, even when the underlying feeling is valid.
AIBUR cases the court has ruled on
"What you wanted was valid. Whether what you wanted was reasonable is a different question. The court rules on the second one." — Valentina, Situational Ethics
"The difference between a reasonable expectation and an unreasonable one is usually communication. If you said it out loud and it was agreed — reasonable. If you assumed it was understood — the court will be examining whether that assumption was warranted."
The three-part reasonable expectation test
The court has developed a working framework for reasonableness across hundreds of cases. An expectation is reasonable when it meets all three of the following:
1. It was communicated or could legitimately be inferred. You cannot hold someone to an expectation they had no way of knowing. 'I expected them to know I was upset' fails this test. 'I told them I was upset and asked them to check in' passes it.
2. It is proportionate to the nature of the relationship. Partner-level expectations applied to a colleague are unreasonable. Acquaintance-level expectations applied to a best friend of ten years are also unreasonable, in the other direction. The relationship determines the standard.
3. It does not require the other person to read your mind. Unstated expectations are the court's most common finding in contested reasonableness cases. The expectation may be valid. The problem is that the other person had no access to it.
Ten cases across relationship types
Romantic partner expectations
Friendship expectations
Family expectations
Workplace expectations
Expectations the court has ruled unreasonable that people consistently disagree with
The court has noticed certain findings that produce pushback. These are the court's most contested reasonableness rulings — not because the framework is wrong, but because the expectations feel valid even when they fail the test.
Expecting to be included in plans you weren't invited to. The court has ruled this unreasonable consistently. You are allowed to want inclusion. You cannot expect it without some expression of that want.
Expecting apologies without asking for them. The court finds that expecting someone to apologise spontaneously, when no explicit indication was given that an apology was required, fails the mind-reading test. The feeling that an apology is warranted is valid. The expectation that it will arrive unprompted is not.
Expecting emotional labour to be reciprocated at the same level. Reasonable to want; often unreasonable as an expectation, because emotional labour styles are not uniform and the imbalance is usually unexpressed.
"What you wanted was valid. Whether you had a right to expect it is a different question with a different framework." — Valentina, Situational Ethics
“Submit your expectation and the context. The court will apply the three-part test. If the expectation was communicated, proportionate to the relationship, and didn't require mind-reading — Vibe. If it failed any of the three — the court will tell you which one and why.”